Confession time: I fell off the wagon. I fell off, got ran over by the wagon and drug down the street.
This past week was very busy and stressful at work. I know, it is super ironic that my last post was all about how I learned to manage my stress. Well guess what? I came to find out, it is still a work in progress. The old stressed out Jess started creeping back into my life over the last few weeks. I don’t like her. She is mean. Stressed out Jess hurts the one’s she loves and she says horrible, grotesque things about how worthless I am and how I am such a failure. That version of me is not something that I do not like to see.
Over the last week I has been completely silent on all platforms. No new blogs, nothing on social media. I told my husband, I can’t post anything, I feel like a hypocrite. Here I am pretending that I have this whole weight loss thing figured out and all it takes is a few stressful days at work to throw me back into my old habits. Then it just spirals from there. It actually scares me how quickly I can revert to my old habits.
Falling back into old habits
I turn to my old coping mechanisms. Carbs comfort me. I am sure I am not the only one that suffers from this phenomenon. I think they have support groups just for Emotional eaters- heck, that’s basically what my weight watchers meeting is! So I ate. I ate a lot and moved very little. Losing control of everything that I have been so proud of accomplishing over the last 15 months. I ate until I felt sick.
One night last week, I remember lying in bed and I could feel my heart beating. It was beating out of my chest. I figured out it was due to all the sugar I ate, my body didn’t know what to do with all of it. So I laid there miserable, I wasn’t able to sleep all I could think about was my heart beating and reflect on all the terrible things that I ate to make my heart practically take off out of my chest. I felt so out of control and I HATE being out of control.
Avoiding the Trap
But this time, I see the trap that has been laid out for me. This week was busy with lots of meals out and other temptations, but next week will be too. I have to travel to Chicago for work, meaning lots of meals out and not a lot of control. It would be so easy for me to say, I will just wait until I get back from Chicago to get back on the wagon. But then it’s almost Easter, so I better just wait until after that. Then there will be another excuse and another, and before you know it I will be 379 lbs again. I can’t let that happen. This is me avoiding that trap. I. can’t. go. back.
It is truly frightening how easily I can be derailed from my journey. If I have learned anything over the last 112 lbs, I have learned that the key to success is to never give up. So here I am brushing the crumbs off my shirt, standing up amidst the candy wrappers, saying I am not giving up. I may have fallen off the wagon, but this time I have tethered myself to that wagon and no matter what happens, I will never be too far away.
Getting back on the Wagon
I had every excuse to stay in bed on Saturday and sleep through my Weight Watchers meeting. The scale was going to be scary. My husband was out of town, so I had no one to nudge me out the door, but I did it. I stepped on that scale, because I knew if I didn’t it was the beginning of the end. Shocker: I gained this week. The damage was 4.8 lbs. 4.8 lbs in one week. Those same 4.8 lbs will probably take me 3-4 weeks to take off.
As I picked up my weekly, I knew that I was meant to be at this meeting. The topic of the week was bouncing back: How to recover after a set-back. Although, now I am convinced that Weight Watcher has bugged my house, it was perfect timing and just what I needed.
This week has just reiterated what I already knew. This will be a lifelong challenge, I have to be intentional about how I live for the rest of my life, because fat, unhappy, stressed Jess is lurking way too close to the surface. To keep her away, I cannot let my guard down. Each set-back I learn something new, so I am not falling it the trap this time, but I am only avoiding it because I have been caught in this trap before. But guess what? The world is filled with booby-traps, but I will untangle myself and move on. So here I am saying: I have sinned, but this new Jess that I have discovered hiding under 112 lbs is pretty forgiving. This is me, forgiving myself and moving on because there are challenges ahead and I can’t face them if I keep looking back.
I am keeping it real. Yes, I am human. I make mistakes, in this case it was in the form of Jet’s 8 corner pizza with Jet’s bread and garlic butter dipping sauce. This is hard. This is really hard. But I also know, it is worth it. I am worth it.
Want to learn more about my journey? Check it out here
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